Hey everyone
Well - I think I am back. To say that the last 10 weeks have been hard is an understatement beyond belief. I never thought that having a baby would be so demanding, trying, difficult and stressful. My life has not been a Johnson and Johnson's commercial, but thankfully, finally, things are starting to settle down and I am starting to feel like my old self again.
Lila is 10 weeks old today. It feels like we have had her for the past 12 months at least. The first 6 weeks are a blur now, but I can tell you a few things.
1. Breast feeding is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Lila couldn't latch on properly. I had constantly aching boobs. I ended up with mastitis twice and after the second time I decided it was just too much stress. I wasnt happy, Lila wasnt happy and I thought it was best to stop. We went to the bottle and was giving her 3 feeds of formula and 3 feeds of breats milk up until last week. Now she is just on formula. She is much more settled and I feel more in control. Its nice to know that it made a difference. Everything started to turn around when I started bottle feeding and although I was adament that I would breast feed for at least 9 months, I think its turned out OK...
2. I am shocked that I had no idea what a big effect having a baby would have on my husband (lets call him A) and our relationship. From the minute we brought Lila home the tension started and I got concerned. I just thought that A couldnt handle the crying, so I nursed Lila to sleep thinking that it would ease the tension a little. It just made him mad that I would 'spoil' her and he didnt feel involved. He started coming home later and later and some nights he would go out and come back at 2am. I felt like a single mother. I could tell that he wasnt enjoying her, but sometimes I felt like he hated her. It was awful to feel so alone and without support. We had such a wonderful, loving relationship and it felt like it was dissapearing. I ended up going to stay at a friends place for a couple of days a) to get some help and b) to give him a break. I realised when I was away that he was a lot of the problem, but he didnt see it that way, and didnt want anything to do with the baby. It turns out he was really depressed and just not coping with any of it - the lack of sleep, the crying, the complete upheaval of our life. I think he is better now, he is starting to really bond with Lila. He actually said 'I love you' to her this morning - a big breakthrough!
3. I had post natal depression. I may still have it now but I am feeling so much better that I am fairly positive that I will be OK. I was in tears daily and really just not coping or enjoying anything about having Lila. It was just horrific. After sobbing on the phone to the community nurse and quite a few friends, I took myself to the GP who sent me to a psychiatrist. Funny thing though - when I finally went to see her I felt silly and wasnt really sure why I was there. The only thing that we talked about that made sense was the fact that I dont have my mum and the effect that would be having on me as a new mum. It sent me reeling for a couple of days, but then I calmed down a little. My best friend LM bought me a book called 'Motherless Mothers' by Hope Edelman. Its a tough read, but it really is starting to make sense of all the feelings I have had since Lila was born. I guess I really didnt factor any of this into how I would cope as a parent which is pretty silly! Now I feel like the haze has lifted and I can actually write this without welling up!
Lila has really settled down and is more content with her own company. I can leave her in her bed and she laughs and giggles at herself. Very cute - but not so cute at 3am! She is also sleeping better and will sometimes sleep 8 hours at a stretch which is just fabulous. She still doesnt really like sleeping in the day, but we go for lots of walks and she normally falls asleep in the pram (but not always!) We are booked into Tressilian next week for a whole week stay. I am so excited about it - I think it will just pull everything together. Sort out her sleeping and feeding and just make me feel more confident about the job I am doing. I really wonder how teenage mothers cope - I guess they just dont have any expectations on themselves. I am a 35 year old, university educated, well travelled, together woman and it really threw me that I couldnt cope. Now I am finally enjoying my baby and feel like this is what I am meant to be doing.
I hope all is well in blog land and I will be posting more regularly now that things have settled down...
vxx
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
14 comments:
It's so brilliant to hear some happy things coming from your way! I'm very glad you're enjoying gorgeous little Lila. Let's catch up again soon!
Gosh, thanks for sharing something so personal. I always wonder how I will be too when the time comes. You're a great chick and obviously want to do the best you can. Glad to hear things are turning around now. It is a big change in all your lives! I am sure Lila will bring you both so much more happiness :-)
So sorry you've had a rough start.. No matter what you're told or how many books you read, you're never really ready until you bring that little baby home. Good to hear that things are coming together for you and I've heard raving reviews about Tressilian and getting Lila into a routine sooner rather than later is a great idea. Good luck and look forward to hearing more.
So glad you're doing better and enjoying life again :)
I'm glad that you are beginning to enjoy having a baby. PND just sounds terrible but you sound like you're dealing better and everything sounds like it's coming together. Good luck at Tressilian! I think everything will be a lot better for now.
:) Sarah
So glad to hear everything is working out better for you now!
Am so glad things are getting better- the first one is quite the life changer isn't it? Also good on you for recognising your PND, it can be a hard thing to do.
I am so glad you are back! I was worried about you. Glad things are getting better for you. No one can really prepare us for the dramatic change a baby will bring. We are all different and all have different experiences and it isn't always easy. I remember the first few weeks going by in a blur too. Hope you and your DH have lots of fun now with your dear little girl. xx
Glad things are feeling easier now. When you are pregnant you know life is about to change but you can't really imagine quite how.
From here on in, it all just gets better and better - enjoy!
OMG! I just skimmed your last post and could have been reading about my own life in the first months after Guy's birth.
I also had major trouble with the breastfeeding. What a disaster the whole thing was! I persavered for 7 weeks then finally gave up - the best thing I ever did. Suddenly I had a better routine, a happier husband and a baby that wasn't hungry all the time.
I didn't end up with PND but I DID end up visiting a pyhchiatrist as I am also a "motherless mother" having lost my mum last year when I was 3 months along.
On that note: Summer Hill Community Centre runs a Motherless Mothers support group once a month. I have been going for three months and it's brilliant! It's very informal... Just to be around women that know what you are going through really helps. They have childcare on premises too so they can look after Lila while you are having a coffee and a chat in the group. It goes from 12.30pm to 2.30pm, but we often stick around a chat for a bit longer.
From your post today I really think you'd get something out of it.
Hi again! The next Motherless Mothers group is on October 20. They are always on Friday's. My email address is: christy_nicholls@hotmail.com if you want to get in touch... :-)
Oh I'm so sorry to hear about all your turmoil during the past couple of weeks. It is tough and although I feel very blessed to have such a good baby I did have a really tough day yesterday which actually made it really hard to cope with especially being so good for the past 6 weeks. I can only imagine how you felt having to endure something like this for days and weeks on end. We caught up with our ante-natal class for a reunion last week and one couple had just gone into tresillian a couple of days prior. It is connected to the hospital so it was easy for them to pop in quickly to say hello. They were having real problems with sleeping and feeding issues and they couldn't praise tresillian enough. They said that in a matter of 24 hours they could already see things turning around and were amazed at how quickly the babies were "retrained" so to speak! I'm sure all will work out and if you ever need to talk I'm always here. Just email me and I'll pass you my number if you want to talk personally! Good luck. XX
Hey there, it's interesting that you write about your man not coping too well...I think that it's rarely realised that men can have such huge reactions to a baby coming along, and find it hard. My best friend went through the same thing with his wife, and one thing that worked for him was doing practical things with the baby so he felt like he knew what he was doing. Things like bathing and feeding gave him heaps of confidence! Good luck!!!!!
I thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart for your comment today.
Put terribly bluntly, PND sucks ass doesnt it? Being brilliant, intelligent, funny, balanced, serene etc etc in our lives before bub comes makes us feel even more shocking when things just arent going well.
I get really angry when I hear of women being pushed along and pushed along in breast feeding and they sink into illness and depression and baby doesn't thrive. Then when they've hit wits end (like yourself) and their life changes, where are those nurses and 'breast is best' advocates?
I applaud you and all the other women I know who have given it your best and then some and come out the other side to formula, sleep and content babies. Note: Breast feeding is amazing for those who can do it! I dont deny that
Sorry, this comment may be long... I also wanted to say how I know how much you take anything the baby does on your own shoulders. Our partners get cranky (like us) but yet mostly its us that gets up and soothes bub. I want to say that she is equally yours. You are equally as sleep derprived and anxious when Lila cries. Im glad to hear he has warmed to her a little more. It never feels nice when the dynamics change to the point of feeling like you are alone in raising a child.
I absolutely feel for you and I wanted you to know that Im doing the same (seeing a psychologist - but for different reasons) and it is really helping no-end.
All the power in the world to you.
Beckie
xo
Post a Comment