back to the drawing board

I got fired this week. They didnt say fired, they said 'let go'. I have never been 'let go' so quickly in my life. I am not really sure what happened, suffice to say, the big mean man boss who I had spoken to twice didnt like me and didnt want to work with me.

I had been there 4 weeks and was getting on with it. My (lady) boss seemed to like what I had been doing and we had one little issue, but had moved on from it. I had a few days off in my 3rd week because Lila was sick with a really bad cold, and I wasnt going to leave her at day care. But I offered to do work from home and did that both days.

So either, he just didnt like me, or he didnt like the fact that I would put my family before work. Now, I havent been employed since I have been a mother, but I am thinking that is a little bit unreasonable...

Its fine though. If they want to be like that, I dont want to work there. Its their loss. I got 2 extra weeks pay, and am looking for another job, but in my heart of hearts, I just want something part time for now. I am going to keep Lila at day care 2 days a week because I think its good for her to be social and spend time with other kids, and its also a good chance for me to get some things done.

And in the week that I get 'let go', my husband gets offered a better job with a better company and better money, so I think its some kind of sign...

I think I will work 2-3 days a week with a friend of mine who has a merchandising company. We are going to have a chat on Monday. That would suit me for the moment. Its close to home and I think it will be fairly easy and only 5 hours a day, so it wont be such an early start.

Our house will go on the market next week. I hope we get what we want for it. I am sure it will come close. I think its a nice house and am posititve that others will think that too. We move at the beginning of September.

My beautiful Lila turns 1 next week. Where did the year go? This is the invite that I made for her birthday party. Well its not really a party... We are going to the pub! Well, we cant have it here and I dont feel like organising a picnic or anything when we will be having an open house that day, so the pub it is!!

Hope everything is good out there. Looks like we will have a lovely weekend.

take care

vx

cold cold cold

Hey all

I just realised its been a whole month since I posted. All is good, we just havent had a computer at home for a couple of weeks. Hubby blew up the hard drive, but we finally have a lap top - its very spunky and I love it. I will try to get on here more often, but at the moment I am addicted to facebook and I cant seem to drag myself away. Its kind of like myspace only much easier to use and much easier to find your friends. I have found people that I havent spoken to in years and its great to catch up!

All is good. I started work 3 weeks ago and it feels like I have been there for ever. The people are lovely and the job suits me to the ground - its close to home and they are all very aware of the fact that I have a child and that she is super important, so I am out of there at 5 oclock on the dot and no one makes me feel guilty about it. I like that. Lila has a cold at the moment so I had to leave early and take her home my boss was over the moon that I offered to take home work. I actually managed to get more done at home than I would usually at work - go figure.

We have started to pack up our house and it should be on the market at the end of next week. I am so excited. I am not sure when we will move but it will probably be by the end of August. I will be so happy to have much more room and a neighbourhood that I can enjoy. It will be fantastic!!

Lila is getting more wonderful by the day. She will be one in just a few weeks. She seems so grown up now. She is almost walking and its so much fun to watch her get around. She loves dancing and just adores her daddy. Its very sweet. We are having a party for her, even though it seems so silly to have a party when she wont even realise that its for her. We just love spoiling her, so I guess its more for us.

On the weight front - things are getting dire, so I have gone back to WW. I thought I could do it on my own, but I was wrong. I know that I just need a big kick in the bum. I considered taking xenical as I thought there was no hope for me. I even spoke to the pharmacist about it. The only thing stopping me from buying it was the cost ($139 for 4 weeks). They said that you could lose between 1 and 4kg a month. I told my husband and he said I could do that with diet and exercise and that it was a waste of $$. He was right as usual. I just have to find the strength and motivation from somewhere. I went to a WW meeting in Newtown on Tuesday night - it was FREEZING and I couldnt find a park, but I went anyway. It was a bit of a shock to have put on so much weight after losing it after having Lila. I feel like Oprah sometimes - I take it off and put it on and keep yo-yoing from 90kg to 80kg to 90kg to 70kg to 80kg and so on. I just want to get to 80kg at the moment, and then I will try for 70 again. I have done it before so I am sure that I can do it again.

My next weigh in is on Tuesday. I havent exercised yet, but will try to on the weekend, and I have stuck to my points and am eating well. One step at a time....

Hope everyone is good out there. I have lost all my favourites, so leave me a message so I can find you all again!

vvxx

Just let go

Hi There

My beautiful 10 month old daughter had a her 1st full day at day care today. She was great. Had her 2 day sleeps, ate all her food, didnt cry. Her carer said that she was every carers 'dream child'. Bless.

At least I know she will be fine. She goes for 1 day next week and then she is there 5 days a week. I am sad but I know that she will love it!

Good weekends to you all...

vxx

Happy Days

Hi All

You will be happy to know that things have calmed down considerably since my last post. Hubby and I are definitely getting on better and I think things should be OK. He has spoken to a few friends and they have quite rightly told him 'be thankful for what you have and stop living in the past'. Here here!

I have spent the past few weeks getting myself sorted with my job hunting and I managed to get the first job that I applied for! Its at a homewares company (mmm... homewares!) and its local so thats really handy for me. The 'boss' seems like a great woman and its quite a small family run business so I think it could suit me to the ground. Luckily I havent forgotten how to turn the computer on, but it will be very weird going back to work after having almost a year off. I start in 2 weeks, which means Lila will be in day care 5 days a week! Thats the bit that I am most stressed about. I dont know how I will cope because I have never had this experience before so if any of you have any tips - can you please send them my way? I will need all the help I can get.

I ended up getting 5 days with Family Day Care. The carer is very close to where we live now and she seems like a nice lady so fingers crossed it will all work out.

We are selling our place in the next couple of weeks - well at least we are putting it on the market. That will be stressfull too but the house we are moving to is great and it will mean that we have much more room for Lila and I think we will enjoy our weekends more which will be very important with us both working 5 days a week.

My weight had gone through the roof the past few months. I weigh the same now as I did when I was (very) pregnant with Lila. I think my medication had something to do with it, but all the baking I have been doing probably helped a little! I am not very happy about it but I think once I go back to work I will hopefully drop back a bit again. It doesnt bother me as much as it has in the past. I feel happier in myself than I have for a long time, and although I know that I need to do something about it, it doesnt make me sad.

This is one of the only photos we have as a family!

It was taken last weekend at Anton's Mums 60th Birthday

Lila with her grandmother (Babushka) at her 60th birthday!

Lila is great and getter more fantastic every day. She now has 4 teeth and is moving around a lot - will be walking soon! She is such a great bub and I will really miss spending my days with her, but I am sure that the time I spend with her will be even more wonderful!
Hope you are all well
vxxx

the drama

Hi There
I have been really crap with posting considering that I have been spending so much time on the internet.

A lot is going on and I dont really know where to start. Its not all good tho.
Um firstly, I was lucky enough to meet the wonderful Phillipa the other week just before she headed off on her World Tour. She was in Sydney for a few days before heading off to San Fran and Lila and I were lucky enough to spend an hour with her and the beautiful Mary at The Bank. It was like we were old friends catching up, even tho I admitted to her I felt like I was on a blind date. I had literally bumped into Mary a couple of weeks earlier in Newtown. She is much more beautiful in real life and I really enjoyed meeting her! Philippa is a fantastic woman and I wish her all the best on her travels!

My very good friend Jeff is back in town. He was the first friend I met independant of school back in 1986, and we are still the best of mates now. He has been living in London for the past 10 years and he is back for a year. It was the first time I have seen him as a married woman and the first time he had met Lila, and I have to say he fell completely in love with her! It was really lovely to catch up with him. He has gone to Brampton Island for a week and is back tomorrow, so I cant wait to spend a bit more time with him. Welcome home Jeff. I love you!!

We are putting our house on the market in the next couple of weeks. Its very scary but also very exciting as the house that we are moving to in Balmain is FANTASTIC! Its my father in laws place, and it has so much more space and is in a great location. We havent worked out the details yet, but its as well as done. At this stage we should be moving in about 10 weeks. I dont really know how this will affect us, as it looks like my husband and I may be breaking up. He thinks that i have changed too much since becoming a mum, and he feels like he needs some space to find out who he is. I am a bit thrown by all of this, as I feel that I have become a much better person since having Lila. She is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me and I would never go back to my life without her. By my hubby is having a hard time dealing with being a dad and I dont really know what is going to happen to us. I am determined to try and work this out and keep our family together - its going to be tough but I am going to give it a red hot go. I am sure that hubby needs some help, but I cant seem to convince him that its the best thing for him...

Any way, I will keep you informed. I am not having the best time and I have no idea what will happen in the next few months. I hope they improve. I am sure they will once we move and I get myself a job - but that brings its own challanges as I cant find child care. Things are never easy are they...
take care
vx

update

hey folks
Just a quick update to cover off where I am at...

I started this post about 3 weeks ago - I should post it now and will start a new one as well...

The most exciting news for the week, was a surprise wedding! Our friends Susan and Phil were throwing a party for their 10 year (going out!) anniversary on Tuesday night. It was at a pub in the city and we just thought it was going to be a party! We got there late and flustered and Susan was wearing a beautiful champagne coloured Alannah Hill frock and Phil was in jeans and a velvet jacket (very dressed up for him!). There was champagne and canapes but nothing too flash. Everyone was relaxed and having a drink and a catch up. All of a sudden we were all ushered into another room and it was filled with beautiful flowers. There was a lady standing there with a folder and she rang some tibetan prayer bells. She said her name and announced that she was a marriage celebrant. Well the crowd went WILD. NO ONE knew (including their parents and siblings!) and we were all so excited for them. They had always vowed that they were happy to never get married. It was a beautiful hand binding ceremony and I know I was crying, as I am sure where the rest of the crowd. We had a lovely dinner together and a bunch of us went out until 4.00AM!! I am very happy that we organised a baby sitter for Lila!
So after a few hours sleep we headed to the Courthouse in Newtown for Anzac Day. Its always a great day out and was a bit quieter than usual because of the rain. I didnt drink much because I had to drive, but its always a hoot down there. I love seeing the old diggers out and about, enjoying a beer. It bring a smile to my face. I was very happy to get home and get some sleep last night, thats for sure!
Other stuff that has been happening.... hmm. The short version. I think I need to find myself a job. The trouble is that I dont really know what I want to do. I have to get myself organised and start applying for jobs. I am sure that something will come along soon.
We may be putting our house on the market. A couple of reasons, the first being that we need more space. The second is that Anton's dad is moving interstae and there is a possibilty that we can rent their place from them. Its a much larger house in Balmain, and it would be awesome if that all works out.

cheers
vxx

Family Holiday

I have just returned from my first holiday as a family. Anton, Lila and I just went to the Sunshine Coast for a week and it was glorious. We stayed at a place called Dickies Beach in Caloundra. The beach is named after a shipwreck of the SS Dickie on the beach. Aparently the boat got stuck there is the 1800's and it is amazing - looks like a whale carcass.

The apartments that we stayed, called Portobello By The Sea were great. They had a great pool and our courtyard had its own outdoor hottub, so it was a nice alternative to going out at night which we obviously couldnt do with a bub! Although obviously she loved the hot tub as well!

We had a couple of outings. One was to the Ginger Factory at Yandina. I am a real ginger fan, so we had to go there and suss it out. We got some yummy ginger fudge and acted like total tourists and loved it!

Anton spent a bit of time playing golf, and I spent a lot of time in the pool. It was so nice to just relax. Lila would wake every morning at 4.30am, which I think was a combination of daylight savings ending and not being in her own bed. The bed that they had was very creaky and evertime she moved it would make a noise like somebody humping - quite funny bu really annoying when we were trying to sleep! Lila also liked the pool and it was great to get her used to the water.

Another day trip was to Noosa. It is such a beautiful place, but a little bit too ritzy for us. It was so busy for this time of the year and we didnt feel like spending a lot of money going to a really nice place for lunch. So we went to the Surf Club, which ended up having great views of main beach and was lovely and relaxed. Great choice I thought!

The last trip we took was to Maleny and the Glass House Mountains. I had no idea that they would be so spectacular. It was a really lovely day and Maleny was a real find. We had a beautiful lunch at an organic cafe where I think I had the best mango smoothie in existance! The mountains are really stunning and I would recommend a visit if you are ever in the area.

I was really impressed with the area and even looked at some real estate prices which were quite affordable. I can really see why people move to QLD. Lots of space and beautiful weather. Hmm, something to think about.

A few more pics to share with you. We took so many photos and these were my favourites.

When we got back, I decided that I wanted to go to V Festival at Centennial Park, to see Groove Armada, Jarvis Cocker and the Pet Shop Boys. Anton took Lila to his mums and we met up afterwards and stayed out until 3.00am!! It was very lucky that Lila wasnt there to wake us up at 4.30am. It was nice to have a night off, but I do miss her when she isnt around.

Hope all is well.

vxx

I went to a lovely lunch yesterday with some of my friends from mothers group. They are such lovely girls and I feel really comfortable with them. It is so nice to have made good friends with people that live nearby, have kids the same age and are fabulous.

This is a picture of Lila on the swing in the backyard. She loved it! She is 8 months next week and I cant believe how grown up she is now and what a wonderful girl she is. We are really lucky. She got her 2 bottom teeth this week as well. Bless.

These are her little friends, Lauren and Bernie and Henry at the back. Such sweet kids.

Life is good at the moment. I am keeping busy and really enjoying being at home. I will have to get a job at some point but I am definitely not in a hurry.

We are heading to the Sunshine Coast for a week next Sunday. It will be really exciting to have some time as a family. My hubby has been working really hard lately and he doesnt get to see Lila much, so it will be nice to be together.

Hope you all have a great weekend.
vxx

I WANT THIS!!

LEGO® just got even cooler!
Serve the coolest drinks around with ice that looks like LEGO bricks, or build your own LEGO ice "sculpture!"
Made of durable silicone.
ice cube tray makes 10 ice "bricks" at a time!
Dishwasher safe.

$7.99

I dont know why I am so impressed by this but I think its the coolest. Maybe its because I always wanted Lego as a kid but never got any...
If anyone is reading from the US and would like to buy it for me and post it over I will give you the $$. Just thought I would ask - if you dont ask, you dont get...

vxx

christening

Lila was christened last sunday. It was a fairly casual day, but it was lovely to have family and close friends together. I was amazed at the generosity of all the guests. Lila is a very lucky girl.

Its amazing how fast she is growing up. She is 7 months now and just divine. Starting to crawl which is exciting and a little bit scary. And basically she just makes us smile every day. I think she is tops!

My best friend LM is her god mother. I have known her since I was born and we both had children last year. I couldnt have made it through those first few months without her support. Lila will be very lucky to have her in her life!

We just had a casual lunch at the in-laws afterwards. Just a couple of salads and some BBQ chooks. But I did made a fabulous cake. I was very impressed with my efforts!

Its pretty funny. It was a huge cake and I had never made anything like it before. People seemed impressed, or at least they were being polite!

Lastly, I have just discovered my space. Come and be my friend at http://www.myspace.com/missyvas1

have a great week all....

vxx

Yes I am still here

Just a quick one to say that I have been offline for a couple of weeks and am just sorting my computer out. We had the server updated and it took ages to have everything reconnected. Things are fine. The two big things that have happened in the past few weeks are that I was made redundant from my job and I had Lila Christened.

I am totally fine with the redundancy. I think its a blessing. I wasnt ready to go back to work and think its important that I spend more time with Lila before I put her into childcare. The company gave me a decent pay out, so I probably dont have to work this year - which is a good thing! I am not sure what I will do, but if anyone is in Sydney and hears of any part time jobs, can you swing them my way!

The christening was on Sunday and went really well. I will write a proper post about it when I get the photos off the fellas camera.

Hope all is well. Will write a proper update before the end of the week.

vx

Merry Christmas

Hi There - hope you all had a lovely xmas and enjoyed some time out with your families and loved ones. I havent had time to update lately as my little Lila is becoming very good at sleeping and I hardly ever have time to sit at the computer (its in her room!)
Christmas was lovely this year. We went to Tuncurry for a couple of days to see my Mums side of the family. They are really lovely people and were so happy to see us and meet Lila.

It was also really nice to get some fresh air and take Lila for her first dip at the beach. We went to the breakwall at Tuncurry, which where I first learnt to swim, so we had to take her there!

She didnt seem to mind the water, but we only put her in for a couple of minutes - it was actually quite cool. How cute are her swimmers!!

Lila has been mostly good and pretty much everything is back to a semblance of normal. She is by no means perfect, but she is just beautiful and we love her to pieces! I think she is teething at the moment and is being a little bit difficult and whingey, but on the whole she is tops!

I am fine - have been enjoying the good life too much and can feel the weight creeping back on. But I am getting out there and catching up with friends and feeling myself again - which is just awesome.

Hope you all have a great new years eve and happy new year!!

take care

vx

feeling good

OK, Ok - I know I am slack - its just that the computer is in the baby's room and I dont get a lot of time in here at the moment!

You will all be pleased to know that I am doing much much better. Granted, it is assisted by medication, but I am coping so much better that I dont care. The anxiety has gone and I dont feel as depressed and desperate. Plus, I have such a beautiful baby that its hard to be stressed out all the time. Lila is growing every day and will be four months old next week. Its hard to keep up really. The sleep is getting better - she has a big sleep in the morning and 2 smaller sleeps during the rest of the day, and then sleeps all night. We are having problems getting her to sleep in the evening, but once she is down, we dont hear from her until 6-7am.

She is being very vocal at the moment. Squeals away with delight to herself. The best way I can describe it is that she sounds like a cat on heat, but its very cute!

What else is going on - well, we went to see U2 last Friday night. It was just fantastic and I am so pleased that I went. We have had our tickets for almost a year and I remember when I got them I was concerned that I would be too pregnant to go!! I get to go to a lot of shows and this would have to be up there with some of the best I have seen in my life. I was so happy!! I would have been even more happy if I had been at the Kylie show, where Bono joined her on stage to sing Kids, but hey, I cant have everything!

We also had our first full night without Lila the other weekend. She went to stay with her Grandmother over night and we went to a party for a couple of friends birthdays. It was so much fun to be out and have a sleep in but the house felt so quiet without her - we really missed her! Lila seemed to have a great time with her grandmother and her grandmother LOVED having her! Hooray!!

Oh and I am now back to my pre-pregnancy weight. In fact, I think I am a little smaller than I was back then, but I have no 'official' data as yet, so I will let you know how that is going. I do feel smaller and everyone keeps telling me that I look like I have lost weight - but I have had a baby after all!!

On a sad note, I just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear about Belinda Emmett. It still makes me sad to think that someone so young and beautiful could be taken by cancer. I feel so bad for Rove. My husband and I got married a couple of weeks after them and I cant imagine what he must be going through. Makes me want to tell everyone I know that I love them! Go and do the same you lot....

all the best
vxx

3 months old

This is my beautiful Lila who turned 3 months old yesterday! I think she is divine! Thats all...

Lila

Hey there - I dont have a great deal to report, but I wanted to post a pic of my beautiful daughter. This was taken a couple of weeks ago and she only just fits into this out fit now, but I havent popped any up since she was born and I thought I should share.
Will try and take some more this weekend and post them. She is 3 months old tomorrow and I really didnt think I would make it this far!
Oh and I went to a mums and bubs cinema session this morning. Very fun - good to be out there!
hope you have a good weekend
vx

sunny days

Hey everyone - thanks to you all for your kind words and best wishes after my last post. Its been a hard couple of weeks, but I think we are getting there now and I am feeling much better. Having said that, things are not perfect and I am still having trouble getting Lila to sleep during the day. We just spent a week at Tresillian and they thought she was the perfect baby. Had no trouble getting her to sleep ever and we have even got her sleeping almost through the night, we at least until about 6.00am, which is pretty good I think. I think the week there was a good break and now she is 12 weeks old, we should really start to see some big differences in her.

I am feeling better and although I am still getting frustrated when Lila wont go to sleep, especially in the evening, I am feeling much better about everything. I even think I might start going back to WW. Not sure how I am going to manage it, but I think its time! Will either go to Newtown or Dullwich Hill - will have to see what suits us better. I think that I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight - which is surprising considering all the crap I have been eating. I guess I am not snacking constantly- I hardly find time to eat at all somedays. The mothers group meetings with pizza and wine probably arent helping much!

Not much else is going on. Will write again soon, but its good to back in the land of the living!

vxx

I'm back ( I think...)

Hey everyone
Well - I think I am back. To say that the last 10 weeks have been hard is an understatement beyond belief. I never thought that having a baby would be so demanding, trying, difficult and stressful. My life has not been a Johnson and Johnson's commercial, but thankfully, finally, things are starting to settle down and I am starting to feel like my old self again.
Lila is 10 weeks old today. It feels like we have had her for the past 12 months at least. The first 6 weeks are a blur now, but I can tell you a few things.

1. Breast feeding is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Lila couldn't latch on properly. I had constantly aching boobs. I ended up with mastitis twice and after the second time I decided it was just too much stress. I wasnt happy, Lila wasnt happy and I thought it was best to stop. We went to the bottle and was giving her 3 feeds of formula and 3 feeds of breats milk up until last week. Now she is just on formula. She is much more settled and I feel more in control. Its nice to know that it made a difference. Everything started to turn around when I started bottle feeding and although I was adament that I would breast feed for at least 9 months, I think its turned out OK...
2. I am shocked that I had no idea what a big effect having a baby would have on my husband (lets call him A) and our relationship. From the minute we brought Lila home the tension started and I got concerned. I just thought that A couldnt handle the crying, so I nursed Lila to sleep thinking that it would ease the tension a little. It just made him mad that I would 'spoil' her and he didnt feel involved. He started coming home later and later and some nights he would go out and come back at 2am. I felt like a single mother. I could tell that he wasnt enjoying her, but sometimes I felt like he hated her. It was awful to feel so alone and without support. We had such a wonderful, loving relationship and it felt like it was dissapearing. I ended up going to stay at a friends place for a couple of days a) to get some help and b) to give him a break. I realised when I was away that he was a lot of the problem, but he didnt see it that way, and didnt want anything to do with the baby. It turns out he was really depressed and just not coping with any of it - the lack of sleep, the crying, the complete upheaval of our life. I think he is better now, he is starting to really bond with Lila. He actually said 'I love you' to her this morning - a big breakthrough!

3. I had post natal depression. I may still have it now but I am feeling so much better that I am fairly positive that I will be OK. I was in tears daily and really just not coping or enjoying anything about having Lila. It was just horrific. After sobbing on the phone to the community nurse and quite a few friends, I took myself to the GP who sent me to a psychiatrist. Funny thing though - when I finally went to see her I felt silly and wasnt really sure why I was there. The only thing that we talked about that made sense was the fact that I dont have my mum and the effect that would be having on me as a new mum. It sent me reeling for a couple of days, but then I calmed down a little. My best friend LM bought me a book called 'Motherless Mothers' by Hope Edelman. Its a tough read, but it really is starting to make sense of all the feelings I have had since Lila was born. I guess I really didnt factor any of this into how I would cope as a parent which is pretty silly! Now I feel like the haze has lifted and I can actually write this without welling up!

Lila has really settled down and is more content with her own company. I can leave her in her bed and she laughs and giggles at herself. Very cute - but not so cute at 3am! She is also sleeping better and will sometimes sleep 8 hours at a stretch which is just fabulous. She still doesnt really like sleeping in the day, but we go for lots of walks and she normally falls asleep in the pram (but not always!) We are booked into Tressilian next week for a whole week stay. I am so excited about it - I think it will just pull everything together. Sort out her sleeping and feeding and just make me feel more confident about the job I am doing. I really wonder how teenage mothers cope - I guess they just dont have any expectations on themselves. I am a 35 year old, university educated, well travelled, together woman and it really threw me that I couldnt cope. Now I am finally enjoying my baby and feel like this is what I am meant to be doing.

I hope all is well in blog land and I will be posting more regularly now that things have settled down...

vxx

struggle

This is hard work. I really didnt expect it to be this hard and I am struggling a little.
Lila is beatutiful, but she is very unsettled and I am having trouble breastfeeding. I may not be online for a while.
I am sure that it will get better and I know in a couple of weeks I will wonder what I was talking about. For the moment, its tough and I need to concentrate on getting this right and keeping myself together.
If anyone has any settling tips or words of wisdom, can you please pass them on.
Hope all is well out there. I will be back with better news when I can.
vxx

LILA MARIA

Well I'm back and here are the first pictures of my brand new beautiful daughter Lila Maria. Thanks to Phillipa for announcing the news, but for those that didnt hear, she was born on Friday 21st June at 8.06pm, weighing in at 3.716kg and 50cm long. Its taken me this long to get my act together and post, but I am sure you all understand. I have been quite busy...

It all started ( well not really) on Thursday (20/07). I went to see my Obstetrician only to have him tell me it would be a while and to come back and see him after Tuesday. I was well over it by then and didnt really want to wait, but I figured I would probably be in hospital from Tuesday, which meant I would be there for my birthday on Wedensday. My darling hubby suggested we go out for a nice dinner as an early birthday celebration and last hurrah before the baby arrived, so he booked a table at Cafe Sydney which is one of our favourite places. I got all dressed up in my sexiest pregnancy outfit - the tight black dress with my boots and my cream coat and picked him up after work.

We had a lovely meal and some wine (just one glass for me) and he said he wanted to give me my birthday present. He gave me a lovely oi oi nappy bag and I was quite content with the lovely meal and the thoughtful gift. Then he tells me that he bought me another gift because it was a special birthday and I deserved it, tells me to close my eyes and pulls out a ring box - with a stunning white gold ring with 10 diamonds! I was totally shocked and super impressed that he had such perfect taste and could be so thoughtful. I then found out he had been planning it for 3 months and I had NO IDEA!! What a man! I am so lucky...

Anyway, we got home, I 'thanked him' for my diamonds and went to sleep, only to wake at 1.00am with strange pain. It wasnt awful, just a little uncomfortable, but I couldnt sleep, so I sat up and watched some bad TV. At about 6.00am, I woke my hubby and said to him 'I think we are having a baby today' and he looked at me confused. I got him to time my contractions for a while and then we called the hospital. By then they were about 7 mins apart and still uncomfortable, but not awful. I spoke to the midwife and she told me to come straight in - we started laughing. It didnt seem real... I leisurely had a shower and packed some stuff and we got to the hospital at about 9.00am. By then I was 6cm dialated and a bit uncomfortable, but it wasnt awful. The midwife was determined to get me to make a decision about pain relief then and there. I was always going to see how I went, but decided to get the gas ready. We put some music on (bjork, radiohead, jeff buckley) and just hung out - working through the contractions and talking and laughing in between - it was actually quite fun. Unfortunately, the action had stopped and I wasnt progressing.

By about midday, they suggested they try breaking my waters. I was not loving that idea and told them I had to think about it. I think it was about 2.00pm when they did and thats when it all got a bit yucky. They broke my waters (which was awful), the pain got worse and worse and I decided that I couldnt cope and didnt want to play anymore. I needed the epidural.

I have a fear of needles. I know most people do, but they make me cry. As soon as the anaesthetist came into the room I lost it and was a wreck for about an hour while he did his thing. But as soon as the drugs kicked in, I was calm and almost serene. By this time it was about 4.00pm and I was fully dialated by about 6.00pm, but my obstetrician was busy delivering another baby - so I had to wait... I was so exhausted from no sleep and the exhausting day that I fell asleep waiting for him. Just incase you dont know, you can feel the pressure of the contractions, but not the pain, so it was OK. At about 7.30 he arrived and I he got me to push. She was a bit twisted around, so it took longer than expected but it wasnt too bad. Hard work though. I have no idea how women cope with no drugs - if anyone out there has managed it - big respect!!

When she was finally delivered, they held her up for me and I still had no idea if she was a boy or a girl. I was POSITIVE I was having a boy, so the shock of a girl took a while to sink in. She was born at 8.06pm. I got to hold her straight away and it was completely surreal. I couldnt believe I had done it and my baby was here. We named her Lila Maria. Lila is a name that I really liked and Maria is after my mum who passed away 21 years ago the day before she was born. Some kind of full circle I think...

She is a lovely baby. We are so thrilled to have her. Her sleeping is a little erratic and my boobs are REALLY sore, but she is just adorable. Will write more soon, but I just wanted to get her birth down in writing.

take care

vxx

waiting...

Ok, so I officially have 6 days before this baby is due, but I was positive that it would come early and now that the time is getting so close, I am not so sure the baby realises that I want it to come early! Am feeling fine, but it really doesnt feel like anything is happening. I have had a little bit of back pain, but thats about it. So, I am starting to get a little bored - not working and not having a baby - kind of in limbo land. I know I should just relax and enjoy the quiet time, which is what I will try to do today, but I do feel like I am going a little stir crazy.

My lovely hubby took some wonderful belly shots on the weekend. I cant believe how huge I am at the moment. Its quite frightening. I will try and post some of them this week. He even took some 'nudey' ones - but I am not sure if I am game to put them on here - I will see how I feel on the day!

The strange thing is that my friend LM - whose baby was due 2 weeks after mine, had hers 4 weeks early. Her lovely little boy Harvey is fine, but smaller than estimates of my bub, so I have no idea how they cope scrunched up in that small space, or more importantly, how they get out!!
Its going to be an interesting journey to say the least, but I am ready for it (I hope!!)

The kitchen is in. It looks lovely but its not 'finished'. We need to tile the splashback and add some finishing touches like plants and maybe some kind of blackboard or pin board. It feels very white and stark, but its lovely! We were saving all our wedding presents for the 'new kitchen' so we have all new stuff - saucepans, appliances, cutlery, glasses - its like Christmas over here. Very exciting. Will post some pictures when its done, but that could be months away!

Finally, I wanted to send thoughts to Emily and Jonny. I just heard the heartbreaking news that they lost their precious baby and am devastated for them. We are all thinking of you...

Will update again when I have some news.
vxx